You have done more than most and this is a good thing, but have you done explicitly, what I have asked. Your calling is designed for you and no other. I make all things on purpose and for purpose, there are no accidents.
It is fine to simply be who I made you to be and how I have made you is perfect. My people perish for a lack of knowledge of who they are. Independence of thought and identity can only come through ME.
Men have spent multiple lifetimes to find fulfillment outside of ME. It is there choice and an act of their will, but it is futile. If you are looking for a way, consult the Way Maker. All that I have is Good and perfect.
Be wise and stop kicking against the pricks. You are a custom made soul and there is so much, that I have for you. Be honest, your ways of doing things is not working. Forgive yourself, repent and rejoin the FATHER.
As he journeyed he came near Damascus, and suddenly a light shone around him from heaven. Then he fell to the ground, and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” And he said, “Who are You, Lord?” Then the Lord said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. It is hard for you to kick against the goads.”