It is clear to me, that I am, my own worst enemy. It is me, that is standing and lurking at each door seeking a way, to cause disruption, confusion and chaos. The circumstances have changed many times: the people, situations and environments all shifting, but the common denominator is me.
I see the worst and I hope for the best, in word, but in deed, the only thing that entices me are the worst possible outcomes. I believe the words of those who hate me, I am haunted by the thoughts of failure, dropping the ball and failing once again.
To avoid accountability, I point out the flaws in others. I weaponize the divine gift God has given me, to tear down people, places and things reducing all of it, to match the ruins in my heart. I am critical, not to be constructive, but to control. I use the unique mantle on my life to manipulate and to maneuver people into situations, that I see fit.
I surely do not move from a place of power or strength, but from a place of fear. The dominance, that I operate in is an act of scarcity, a lack in belief and a fear that eventually people will see me, for who I am. The closer, that people get to knowing who I truly am, the more ferocious I must behave. In order to continue the ruse, I must be convincing. The ruse of control, the ruse of success, the ruse of temperance and the ruse of having it all together, because ultimately I do not, I have not and I am not.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?